It should have been me (him)
by HoothootOwls
Summary: After Tadashi dies Hiro feels guilty and gets depressed. He hides it behind smiles and laughs. But he knows everyone thinks it to. It should have been him who died not Tadashi. WARNINGS: Rated T for Depressed Hiro. suicidal thoughts.
1. Chapter 1

_'It should have been me.' _The thought is stuck in Hiro's mind. _'It should have been __**me.**__' _It repeats it self to Hiro again day after day. The day Tadashi Hamada died it should have Hiro Hamada not Tadashi. Tadashi was bright, caring, kind, smart, he was just a really good guy. The complete oppisite of his little brother Hiro.

Hiro what a ironic name to have. He isn't a hero, he is a failure. Tadashi was a hero, a true hero. At least to his little brother he was one. Even if he didn't deserve that. And Tadashi Hamada was going to be a hero to many others with his health care invention. But that was the past, he never got to be a hero to others just because of his little brother who failed to save him. To stop his death from happening.

Tadashi was strong. Hiro is weak. Tadashi's body was fit and big with muscles. Hiro is small, skinny, short. Short even for his age, his body is nothing like how Tadashi's was. To fat on his stomach but to skinny on his arms. No muscles at all. Tadashi also had a nice cool tan. While Hiro is getting more and more pale everyday. In short Tadashi was beautiful and Hiro is ugly.

Tadashi's hair was always neat and combed in a good looking way. Hiro's hair is a forever mess. Tadashi had a great smile to, just as bright as his personality. Hiro has a weird, ugly gap in his teeth so his smile just looks goofy and dumb. Hiro was never really that bright of a kid. He was a trouble maker.

Tadashi was very and always friendly. He had friends who he cared and loved. And they all cared and loved his back just as much. But he died leaving them behind, hurting them. Hiro never had friends who cared or loved him. He was always alone so it wouldn't matter that much if he had died.

And he bets now the team only hangs out with him is only out of pity. "His brother died and now he has no else except his aunt who is usually to busy anyway." They all probably resent him for failing to save Tadashi or just plain hate him for it. If only he had stopped Tadashi from going into the building he would still be alive. Their friend would still be alive, his brother would still be alive.

_'It should have been me.'_

He can't stand himself some days, when he knows Tadashi could be here where he is alive instead of him. The guilt and sorrow weigh him down everyday. And he snaps some days, he sobs to himself, crying, wishing he was dead. That he died and Tadashi was still alive. But he's never loud. He doesn't want aunt Cass to hear him and waste her worries on a pathetic kid like him.

He doesn't deserve such kindness from her, from anyone. Not Gogo, not Wasabi, not Honey Lemon and not Fred. Most of the time he wishes they would shun him. Show there hate for him. Calls him names and make him break. Maybe then he could feel a little better about it. But he doesn't deserve that either.

_'It should have been __**ME!'**_

He's always very scared of the thought that they will hurt him. Leave him. He's terrified of it. Afraid they'll show him how they really feel, the anger and pain, the sadness, the hate for him, Hiro Hamada. Afraid they'll just get tired of dealing with him, tired of acting like they care and that they're his friends. But he guesses it's okay for them to hate him. Because he hates himself probably the most.

So when they actually shun and betray him he'll accept it. The hate and sorrow, all the emotions that they hide. That he hides.

He hides it behind smiles and laughs. Hides it with acting and faking. And sometimes even he starts to believe it. He starts to believe the fake smiles and laughs, he thinks he's happy again. It always crashes on him. The fake happiness he built up for himself. He remembers that they all hate him. That he hates himself.

He's so weak and useless, sure he has a big smart brain but what's the point if he can't- no doesn't use it? He feels so shameful for feeling like this. He doesn't deserve to feel bad about himself. He has a aunt who cares about him even though she shouldn't. People who are willing to fake a friendship with him, even if they all hate him.

Some people have it worse than him. But he can't stop the thoughts in his mind. Useless he can't even control his own mind. Gross, disgusting, weird, horrible. Those things he thinks to himself on a daily basis.

One time he was going to tell aunt Cass how he felt about himself, but he never did. Something stopped him. He went down stairs and saw aunt Cass crying. Crying over Tadashi's death. So he never told her how he felt about it. He never got help. He couldn't bring himself to when she too is grieving over Tadashi's death. Not only him. Gross how he was so self centered. They all lost Tadashi not only Hiro. More guilt he felt after that.

Right. The team hates him because they think it to, _'It should have been __**him.'  
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><p><strong>PLEASE REVIEW to me if you liked this so I can post faster<strong>. Motivation ya know. **Four reviews and I'll be satisfied. **I'll probably still post the something after this if I finish it, but like way later.

Next chap will be the gang confronting Hiro. What happens? Bad or good? Do they even understand what Hiro is going threw?


	2. Chapter 2

Hiro was in his room alone thinking of all this. Laying lifeless and still on his bed. Staring up on his ceiling tears falling down at the side of his face. Then he heard the bell of the front door open and close. Followed by familiar voices below. It's the gang. He wipes his eyes clear and sits up, he breaths in and out. And quickly practices his smile. "Hmmm" He hums making sure his voice doesn't sound hoarsed and tired. He hasn't been sleeping well lately. To many nightmares, either about Tadashi or the gang leaving him.

Foot steps are close and then they're here in his room. Receiving "hi" or "hellos" from each of them. He can't help but notice when they first came in they stared at him and looked nervous before greeting him.

His mind races to different worries. _'Did they notice I was crying?' _or _'Are they going to leave me today?' _He hides those thoughts behind a mask of smiles. He panic's if they notice that to. '_Maybe they do notice but don't want to pressure me?' _Hiro thinks to himself quickly. '_No they do notice but just don't care enough to ask.' _He shoot himself down with dark thoughts automatically.

"Hey Hiro what's up? Have you eaten lunch yet?" Fred asks smiling. Hiro looks to the window and notices it's noon. _'It was just morning.' _He also notices his untouched breakfast. The gang follows his gaze and sees the untouched food as well. Before they can question Hiro about it he speaks up. "Oh what? It's lunch already?" Hiro laughs. "I was just laying round thinking! oops." Hiro rubs the back of his neck sheepishly.

"What were you thinking about?" Honey Lemon asks trying to act casual. And she was doing a good job of it anyone would have brought it. But not Hiro, he knew it right away. She is trying to see if it was about Tadashi.

And it was but Hiro wasn't just going to tell them all that. "Oh just about a new bot I want to build." The lie slides out of his mouth, he's good at that, and he silently scolds himself for it.

"Oh I see." Honey Lemon replies a little disappointed. For a moment Hiro is worried they didn't buy the lie. Because he hasn't even touched a bot or try to design a bot in a long time. "But that's great Hiro! Haven't seen you with one in a while. I was worried." "Honey Lemon continues sounding cheerful. _'Lies' _Hiro quickly tells himself because he can't believe any one of them would be worried about him.

"Oh sick dude! You ought to show me after! I bet it'll be real rad!" Fred loudly shouts. "Yeah sure Fred." Fred and Hiro high five each other. Both Gogo and Wasabi have been quiet since they got here besides the greeting. Which makes Hiro nervous.

"So you've been thinking about a new bot design you say?" Gogo chews he gum a few more times before taking it out. "Tell us about it kid." Gogo almost sounds challenging. _'Crap.' _Hiro curses.

"Um, well you know I thought maybe I would tell you guys after I completed it. You know like a surprise?" Hiro mentally hits himself for sounding so unsure. "A surprise you say?" Gogo says not very convinced. "No, that's not it is it?" Gogo looks at Hiro and Hiro swears she can see right threw him and back inside to his mind.

Wasabi looks worried. "Gogo? Where are you going with this?" He asks but Gogo ignores him. "What were you really thinking about all morning? So spaced out you didn't even eat breakfast?" Hiro gulps. His mind is racing it self and screaming, "RED ALERT!". Hiro stares at her fear in his eyes. "Um."

"No you knew it was there but you just ignored it didn't you?" Everyone was silent but looked very concerned. "Gogo maybe you shouldn't push him?" Honey Lemon says sounding wary. "Yeah. Maybe it really was just a surprise?" Fred sounds just about the same but something more daring, telling her to stop.

"No." Gogo says and it's final. She's sick of pretending. She's going to make Hiro speak to her. "I'm done ignoring this." Gogo's voice is demanding and cold. Hiro panics more and more. _'Oh no. She's going to tell she hates me. That they all hate me. She's sick of pretending. There's no point in me acting anymore to.'_

"Hiro what were you thinking of all-""Hiro?" Freds stern voice cuts off Gogo. Gogo is about to ask why when she sees Hiro. Her expression softens. Freds is concerned when he sees Hiro starting to hyperventilate. Backing up on his bed to the wall. Hiro looking down to his sheets not wanting to see their angry expression he's sure they have on. He doesn't see how Gogos expression changed how she's now quiet. He's trapped in his own mind which is not very stable.

Fast, shaky breaths and eyes wide Hiro tries to back up as far as he can against the wall. "Hiro?" Wasabi says soft and wary of weather or not he should be talking to him. Hiro doesn't hear him. "I'm sorry." Hiro's voice is quick, quiet and almost a whisper. They all almost didn't hear him. And before any of them could ask why he is apologizing Hiro talks again. "I'm sorry I'm alive and not Tadashi."

They're all shocked at Hiros word well except one. "_I knew it."_ Fred whispers to himself. Everyone else knew it was about Tadashi but not like this. They thought it was just because he was lonely. But here is Hiro in front of them apologizing for Tadashi's death.

"Oh god. Oh god I knew it." Hiro says out loud but mostly to himself. Then mutters other things under his breath and tears build up in his eyes. Daring to fall down his cheeks. "Hiro? Hiro what did you know?" Honey Lemon asks reaching out for Hiro but he flinches so she pulls her arm back to her chest.

"Th- that you guys don't like m- me and uhh..." Hiros words are unsteady and he's still hyperventilating. Tears fall down when he says it out loud. And he goes quiet after that well mostly quiet. As quiet you can get while crying and hyperventilating. He covers his mouth with his hands trying to shut himself up. _'I can't say it out loud without sobbing?! I'm such a wimpy baby. i just want them to leave!'_

"Hiro? No, noway lil man." Fred is the first to speak up again. Hiro physically flinches at Fred's voice and it breaks Fred's heart. Fred takes a breath in before moving forward to Hiro who is now trying to fight away his hug. But Fred doesn't stop. He grips Hiros wrists and Hiro is pulling away turning his head away from him. Fred pulls him in his chest. Arm wrapping around Hiro's back and head. Hiro's face is hiding in his neck still trying to get away.

"He- hey Fred maybe that's not a good idea..." Wasabi says quietly not sure what to do either. "No. I need to do this. Just wait." Fred's voice is serious and stern but also very gentle and understanding. Eyes soft looking at the boy in his arms. Hiro's struggles lessens until he's clinging to Fred instead up fighting him. The other three are amazed watching Fred deal with Hiro like a professional.

"Shhh, it's okay." Fred feels how tense Hiro feels in his arms. "It's not bad to cry. Don't think that and don't feel the need to speak yet. Cry or don't cry. Your choice lil man." Fred tells Hiro and Hiro's shocked. How does he know how he feels?

"I know how this feels." Fred says. "And I'm not "just" saying it. And well not exactly how you feel but I got a pretty good idea. Scared, cornered and eyes feel piercing when people stare at you." Fred looks at the other three who shuffle to turn around and sit on the floor backs facing them. Fred continues. "You feel shameful for crying right?" Hiro hesitantly nods into Fred's neck still not ready to show his face.

"But it's okay. Um, it's okay to feel it's not okay. Okay? Wait did you even understand that?" Fred stumbles with his words and when he hears Hiro laugh quietly and nod, he smiles. Hiro isn't crying as much but his breaths are still a little uneven but he's calming down slowly. "Do you want to talk? You don't have to." Fred says unsure if he should ask yet.

Hiro doesn't move for a few minutes. Then he nods. "Okay say the first thing on your mind." Fred knows to start with him feeling like he's in charge. No questions asked directly to him yet. "Don't leave" Hiro tightens his grip on Fred, but he moves his face off Fred mostly just enough to speak out clearly to him. His forehead rests on his shoulder and head down. Fred doesn't mind him not making eye contact with him, he stares up at the ceiling knowing not to stare right at him either.

"I won't Hiro but, uh, mind telling me why you think that?" When Hiro doesn't reply Fred continues to talk. "Tell you what? We'll trade words for words? I'll tell you something about me and then you tell me something." Hiro thinks it over a few times before nodding. "Okay great. Ask me something you want to know."

More silence is spread around room before Hiro speaks timidly. "Uh, ho- how do you know all this? I mean how I feel?" Fred gives a small sorrow full smile before Answering. "Heh. Knew you were going to ask. But anyway, it was a while ago but it's still clear to me." He hugs Hiro a bit more.

"But I hated myself." Freds voice changed to more quiet and sad almost.

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><p>So I was like really close to giving up on this story but here's another chap. Oh and sorry for any mistakes.<p> 


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